You've been walking with me all this time.

All this time, from the first tear cried till today's sunrise and every single moment between.


You were there, You were always there. It was You and I. You've been walking with me all this time. 


:)


Ever since that day, it's been clear to me that no matter what comes You will NEVER leave. I know You're FOR me and You're restoring every heartache and failure, every broken dream. You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me. This is my story!


These people ask me, how do I know what I believe? I'm not the same me, and that's all the proof I need. 

Have you listened to that song by Britt Nicole? I really find encouragement through music and this song    makes me tear up in the best possible way- no sadness, no pain, no could have would have... simply from peace in knowing my God is FOR me and if God is for me, what can stand against me? I know the answer to that- NOTHING. I keep hearing these words lately that TRULY mean a lot to me, and I appreciate them so very much: "You're a strong mama". But I have to be honest and say that I am such a weak mom. I do not have strength on my own. There are many times I am barely hanging on by a thread of courage and I lay in a hospital bed, alone, and I think to myself, "I can't do this. This isn't what I want." My will, my way, my PLAN would be so different...it wouldn't look like this. This time was supposed to be different, because I believed it would be and I claimed that truth early on. I had FAITH, OH I had some faith. My faith was restored every step of the way as things progressed and we began to have Dr visits that went beautifully and my body seemed to be "ok" this time. I had faith! Things were going WELL and I heard something from my high risk Dr that I had not heard before, "Everything looks great." Wow, what words! My faith was STRONG. And then... things began to change, and I began to face the possibility of a repeat pregnancy. I thought to myself, 'How easy it is to have so much faith when things are going well, but can I stay faithful in this storm?"
Well, no. Not every moment. Not every day. But I HAVE to try because THAT is where the strength comes from. If you see anything positive, anything strong coming from me it is not from within myself because my physical being continues to fail me every day... my spiritual being is upheld by Christ who lives within me and not by anything I can do.
My plan was different this time and I had so much faith that this pregnancy would not result in a dangerous situation, but the more I've reflected upon my current role in all this... the more I realize that this pregnancy is SO SO different!! My faith has been restored along the way because even though it may SEEM that we are walking in the land of dejavu, the reality is I am a changed woman. I am a mother. I am not the same this time around. God used my pregnancy, delivery and subsequent months with Landon to shape my personality, my faith and my ability to persevere. I may experience similar trials right now, but there is nothing similar about ME as I trudge my way through. Thank you God for that! Thank you for developing parts of me that were hidden and for plunging deep enough inside my heart to dig out the pieces of me that will make me the mother I am meant to be. Without all of this, I cannot be all that He has made me to be. I can't touch other's lives in the way He has enabled me to. I can't encourage other mothers who face difficulties. Without all of this, I am a lesser ME and I would never want that. So yes, my faith has not gone away. It is still here... I still believe in a beautiful miracle  that God will bless my family with. I have no control over when things will begin to go downhill medically and Dr's will take my baby... I don't know if that will be this weekend, or in two months. I don't know how long it will take for me to recover physically and emotionally from possible upcoming events... I don't look at this situation that I'm in and know anything. The Dr's hardly know anything because of how little information is truly known as to why this condition arises in some women, such as my mom, my aunt, my cousin... me. No, it's not something that is preventable. No, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Yes, it is the leading cause of prenatal death in this country for mother and baby. I hope that doesn't cause fear or any unsettled feelings because for me and my family it causes us to know just how fragile this life is. Your prayers mean the world to us, and you can always count on me to share my struggles, my joys, my life with you because family and friends are GLUE that hold it all together. The more glue, the better held. Peace and love <3