I haven't updated my blog in quite a while. I've been a little busy with a 2 month old and a 19 month old. I decided to write about Lincoln's birth story, mostly just for me but in the hopes that it will also provide some smiles or maybe a lifted spirit for anyone who reads. My story is unique to me, and we all have our own. Whether your story is filled with loss, turmoil, joy, sadness, miracles or pain, it is uniquely yours. A friend recently said to me, "give yourself permission to accept your reality because it's yours and don't expect it to be anything it's not."

My sister-in-law and I joke that I always follow my complaints with a "but". It's not that I never complain (shocking, I know) I just always feel like that "but" has it's place afterward. Today was too hot, but at least the air conditioner is working. That was a hard time, but look at where we are now. I do not feel well, but at least it's not as bad as that one time.

My pregnancy with Lincoln and his delivery were the hardest months of my life... BUT we made it and we're here.


When I was pregnant with Landon, I developed a serious condition called pre-eclampsia. I've blogged about that before, but I'm too lazy to link it. When I became pregnant with Lincoln, it was a high-alert situation. Amidst all of the joy and excitement surrounding a new pregnancy, there came a sense of caution. There was a 25-40% chance that I could develop this condition again. It was scary to imagine going through another difficult pregnancy and delivery and so for the most part we chose to think positively and trust that God had a plan for our baby and that plan was already set, already moving and nothing we or anyone else would do was going to change the plan that God had crafted for us. I knew that God already knew the outcome and I rested in that. As the weeks of my pregnancy moved along, I dealt with the usual daily sickness for a little while and tried to enjoy as much as I could the beautiful miracle happening inside of my belly. We chose to opt out of the genetic test that is routinely done which checks for genetic conditions. The test that came back positive for Landon that basically told us instead of a 1 in 1800 chance of the baby having down syndrome, he had a 1 in 90 chance and we were actually asked how we wanted to proceed with our pregnancy. Well, Landon was part of the 89 and that test caused far too much worthless worry for us. Each passing week that I stayed pregnant was a victory. We cherish our friends and family who celebrated that victory with us and cheered us on along our journey. Each week felt like a milestone. I started to show symptoms of pre-eclampsia around 28 weeks and it was a sinking feeling. My blood pressure was becoming more difficult to control with medication and the baby was beginning to become affected by the restricted blood flow through the umbilical cord. I went three times a week for a non-stress test and many times, Lincoln showed no movement and no increased heart rate and I was sent over to the hospital for monitoring. I believe I collected close to ten hospital bracelets during the course of my pregnancy. I spent 5 days there during one visit, 3 during another. I spent most of my time at the hospital, alone. When I hear women talk about how they could never have done it alone and how they are so glad they had their partner with them, it just makes me smile because I would have said the same thing before I had no other choice. It's amazing what you will do, when you have no other choice. Chris had to be at home with Landon and when he did come to see me, it was because my parents drove down to watch Landon for us whenever they could. We would have really struggled without their help. I'm so thankful for the times they came to help us. When I passed 33 weeks, the Dr's and nurses were pretty excited that we made it past my delivery date with Landon. I was on bedrest on and off (mostly on) the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Friends and family came to help out with Landon, visit me in the hospital and to bring meals for us, and it truly meant so much. I always say we have the BEST friends and family in the world!

During the last days of my pregnancy, I began to feel very very poorly. My body was slowly starting to go down hill. I truly did not realize how poorly I did feel until I was no longer pregnant. Pre-eclampsia had started to rear it's very ugly head and my Dr's were watching me like a hawk as they put it. It's hard for me to explain the range of emotions and fears that we were dealing with during those last days. The best way I can think to describe is to imagine seeing on the news that a big storm is coming... what you want to do is find the safest place you can and hide, but what you have to do is walk into the front yard and stare at the storm coming toward you and keep walking. I don't think anyone ever feels prepared to do that, or able to do that. I'm a mom of a precious little boy already and he needs me. I'm the future mom of a precious little one coming soon and he needs me too. My darling husband who cherishes me more than anything needs me and here I am walking face first into the biggest storm I've ever seen. I have no other choice because there is something bigger than my own fear taking place- a news life is at stake. A new soul, new heart beating... relying upon me to keep him alive. If I could portray to you the condition I was in at the end... it would seem even more amazing that a healthy baby boy came out of that storm. At 34 weeks, I went into the Dr. for a non-stress test and Lincoln was not reactive. His heart rate was not impressing the Dr. and so they sent me over to the hospital to be monitored. I was alone as Chris was at home working and also watching Landon. They hooked me up to the monitors and scheduled an ultrasound. The ultrasound that evening was a terrible experience for me. At 34 weeks, I found out that Lincoln was measuring as a 29 week baby. My heart just sank to the floor because I knew that meant he wasn't getting the blood supply he needed to be able to grow. I began to think about all of the problems he could have, all of the ways he could be under-developed and the worry set in. I tried my best to let faith and positive thinking take over, but I did have moments of true fear. My Dr. wanted to keep the monitors hooked up to me overnight because he had one decell occur. I knew when it had happened because the nurse quickly came in to jolt me... but I heard it on the monitor before she even came in. He seemed to perk back up and I tried to drift off to sleep for a few hours, with the nurses coming in about every 15 minutes to re-locate his heart beat. It was literally drifting in and out. I guess around 3 or 4am, a rush of 4 nurses came into my room and began hooking me up to things and jolting me around. Lincoln's heart rate had dropped to 50 (should be above 125) and they tried to stimulate him. It worked and his heart rate came back up. Within minutes it happened again and this time the Dr. came in and said that it was time. I knew it was coming... it was just a matter of time. I asked if we had time to wait until my husband arrived and she said that she thought we could, but that if need be, we wouldn't. I understood and praise the Lord Lincoln held out long enough for Chris to be there with me! There are so many things to be thankful for and they should never be overlooked. My parents drove to our house to watch Landon, and Chris came to the hospital. I was moved into the surgery room and though I had been down this path before, it was just as scary the 2nd time. I was scared to have another c-section, scared that Lincoln might have any number of things wrong with him, scared that my blood pressure was out of control... and not to mention feeling sick as a dog from the magnesium that I was on (to prevent seizing). It was a frightening time and I remember just praying, "God help me. Help me. I need you." There were no eloquent words and no fancy prayers being uttered to God in that moment... just the cry of my heart. Upon the operating table, the anesthesiologist tried to place the spinal tap 4 different times. I really can't say why it didn't work... I don't know why he kept hitting a nerve and was unable to find the location. I just know that it was the most pain I had ever felt up until that moment. They said to me, "honey we are going to have to put you to sleep". I remember crying the word "no" into about 5 syllables. I didn't want that, I never thought about that and didn't prepare for that. I wanted to see my baby be born, just like most mother's do. However, for reasons beyond my control, God had other plans. So minutes later, I went to sleep pregnant and woke up... not. I'm not sure why the pain medication was not yet administered into my iv before I woke from surgery. Chris said they fumbled very quickly and tried to get it going but I just came to so easily afterward. With no numbing, and no pain medication yet, waking to the full feeling of just having a c-section is something I pray no one else ever has to experience. They apologized to me after, and I forgave... but the memory is still there. I really do believe something happens in a mother's brain when she delivers her baby, that connects the last 9 or 10 months of pregnancy with the pain and reality of birth. You see the face of your baby and every difficult minute fades away in the face of that little one. The kicks, hiccups and uncomfortable stretches all of a sudden have a face. Something happens and it all comes together at the end. However, going to sleep pregnant and waking up with no baby around feels like being trapped inside of a nightmare. I don't feel any of these things now, but I'm just trying to describe in as much detail as I can what that time was like for me. I longed to see my baby, to know he was ok. When I first heard the news that he was absolutely perfect, I cannot even begin to describe the overwhelming sense of relief that came over me. He measured 5 weeks behind in my womb and he was perfect. He didn't get nearly enough blood that he needed to thrive, and he was perfect. Do I need any more proof that God has big plans for this little life! My Dr. told me he fought to stay alive, he fought every minute he was inside of me... he was fighting. I recorded a video on my cell phone and asked Chris to take it to the nicu and play it for him so that he could hear my voice and know that everything was going to be ok. Eventually they were able to wheel my bed to the nicu to see him and when I held him in my arms for the first time, the very first thing I said to him was, "Mommy's here." I wanted him to know that we made it, that I'm here and I always will be. I've said that to Landon his entire life when he was upset or hurt... "Mommy's here" and I'll say it to them for as long as I live. Lincoln stayed in the hospital just 18 days and was 3 pounds 10 oz when we brought him home. At his birth, he weighed 2 pounds 15 oz and not for a second did he need oxygen. He required such little medical intervention that it truly was a miracle. God is in control...at my post-op visit, I found out from the pathology report on the placenta than an abruption had started. That means the placenta begins to separate from the uterus and causes bleeding. This can be incredibly serious and even fatal... if the baby is not taken out in time, severe brain damage or even death can occur. My Dr. said she was glad she made the call to take him out exactly when she did. Praise God for directing her that day... praise God I was sent to the hospital that day to be monitored, instead of sent back home on bedrest. We were being cared for and loved in the midst of this storm and the little details that would otherwise go unnoticed have become the very details that could have very well saved our lives. I don't know what the future has in store for our family but I know that we are so thankful for our two precious boys. They are healthy and thriving and that is amazing. We do not take one moment for granted with them because we've felt the fear. God chose us to have these two boys and while I spend most of the time pretty exhausted these days, in the most difficult moments, I still pinch myself to make sure this fantasy, this heavenly dream is actually my reality.