Sitting here at 1:30am, waiting on my little boy to wake up so that I can feed him, it feels like my days and nights are meshed together. Barely able to take a full breath because of this bronchial mess that's happening in my chest, I just try to muffle the persistant coughing as much as I can. Thanks to the recent vehicle break-ins that have occured in my neighborhood and in my driveway, I feel weird sitting up so late. It feels strange that people who didn't belong here, were here. I feel like our personal space was violated. When the police first came to let us know that it was happening in our neighborhood, Chris went out and purchased so many lights that our house was lit like the 4th of July when he was finished. That same night, his truck was broken into. I suppose the extra lighting just helped them to see what they were doing. I'm really really looking forward to the day when this littlest boy of ours decides he can make it through the night without eating. He has a free pass for a while since he started off so so tiny, but you just reach a point! His big brother started sleeping 12 hours a night at 4 months so I have high hopes. I've been thinking a lot lately about how good it feels to have two children, two boys. I'm pretty sure I'd have a lot of fun being a mom to a girl... nail polish, baking, tea parties, hair fixing, makeup, oh my oh my. That all sounds like the cat's meow, it really does but it's not going to be my life! I will be raising up, along with the help of my hubby, two young men. Today, we went to lunch as a family and after we had both munchkins buckled in, Chris came around to open my car door for me which he's done since our very first date. I climbed inside and said to Landon, "You will open the car door for your special girl one day, Landon, because that is what gentlemen do!" He blabbered on about something and looked out the window, but I know he's watching. I feel glad that what he's seeing, is what I want him to see. I'm glad for the role model my boys have in my husband. He's not a perfect person, but he loves his family. There are moments that have come and gone recently where I stop to catch my breath and prayerfully thank God that both of my children are here and ok. When I walk through the mall, I see what seems to be hundreds of pregnant women walking toward me, passing by me and all I can think is, "Thank you God that it's not me." I guess that sounds horrible... the last time Chris and I were in the mall together, we passed by a few pregnant women, one after the other and I looked up at him and said those words. He said, "I'm glad you feel that way babe. I'm glad you're happy." He replied that way because he understood what I meant. He knew I wasn't feeling sorry for myself or drudging up past experiences... it's not that. It's more so that I can walk through a mall, hand in hand with my husband, or pushing a stroller, or holding a toddler or all of the above... without fear. A lot of mother's that I know deal with a lot of fear having children- fear of the unknown. What if they get hurt? What if something bad happens to them? What if I fail? Of course I have felt those same fears at times, but the fear that I felt about losing them and even losing me was enough for a lifetime and after Lincoln was born and I got my health back, I didn't want to be afraid any longer. I know that God does not give a spirit of fear... His word talks about fear and worry so many times because He knew it would be something we would face and battle. I do believe you can TRUST, you can have FAITH and you can still be afraid. I trusted, I had faith, and I was also afraid too. And that's ok :) God has blessed my heart through my own struggles and has brought to my mind daily reminders of His love and His mercy. During these newborn months when my days and nights swim together... it's easy to be overcome with exhaustion. My days are these babies. My nights are these babies. My life is them. They can have all of me because God gave them to us. We finally decided on a verse for Lincoln. When I was pregnant with Landon, we chose Jeremiah 29:11 for him because I clung to the hope that God had a PLAN for this child, even when the odds seemed stacked against him. For Lincoln, we prayed, we read... we weren't feeling led in any direction. In my kitchen, for the last 6 years or so hung a tiny plaque with Joshua 1:9 printed on it, "Have I not told you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. The Lord your God is with you, wherever you go." I picture a mighty Lion, bold, resilient, head held high and proclaiming the name of the Lord. I picture our tiny little 2 pound baby, growing into that strong Lion and feeling encouraged by the words, "Do not be afraid.. God is WITH YOU wherever you go." These verses will hang on their walls throughout their lives and our prayer is they will cling to God's ENTIRE Word every step of the way.