God sees the heart.

It's never going to matter if I ever truly lose that extra baby weight.

It's never going to matter if I go days without wearing makeup or making an attempt at fixing my hair.

It's never going to matter if my laundry room has a basket of dried, a basket of dirty and both machines filled.

It's never going to matter if my floor stays cluttered with toys all day long, or if dust forms on the mantle.

It's never going to matter if my neighbors are used to seeing me get the mail in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.

It's never going to matter to my CHILDREN how many hours I spend on "me" or on my house. The devil has a way of making mothers feel like these things matter and not only matter but matter BIG. Being a mother, a good mother, I've come to discover is less about what looks normal, and more about what is right for my child. I've never cared about appearances... in fact I loathe appearances. I'd rather you think I'm some sort of lunatic while being true to myself than fit into some sort of mold that makes everyone happy to look at. I can remember being a child and thinking that if smoking, or drugs, or having sex was going to make me "cool" then I would like to stay really far away from being cool and be happy doing so. I was not a cool kid... I went through immature phases of trying to fit in and trying to impress whether it be through gossip, or clothing, or something equally as childish. But, I was not one of the cool kids. Unfortunately being cool meant swearing, having sex, smoking, being skinny, wearing provocative clothing... it wasn't me. The way I appeared to other kids was something along the lines of, "religious" or "Jesus freak". It's sad to me when I think back to when I did try to "fit in" and how much of myself I lost during those times. Ultimately though, church was where I prefered to spend my time. I was never forced to go to church as a teenager. I wasn't forced to listen to a certain type of music or only hang out with certain people. Sometimes that freedom didn't always lead to the wisest of decisions, but most of the time, the Holy Spirit was alive in me and led me. There are memories that float around in my head from time to time of various "uncool" moments in my life, when I felt like I would never fit in. Then at the same time, there are moments where I felt on top of the world! Being a kid, a teenager is a hectic, life-altering journey. Sometimes I want to shout to every 15 year old I meet, "IT WILL GET BETTER!!!" because it really does. Maybe not tomorrow, or even in a year but one day... the most "uncool" moments of your life will pale in comparison to what lies ahead. I may not spend most of my days looking like a fashion model, or working out 25 hours a week to acheive a societal standard of "thin" or "beautiful". I may not have a house that is straightened up every hour of the day, or a car that doesn't have a drink sitting in the cup holder as we speak. My nail polish is faded, my eyebrows need waxing. My life isn't perfect and I'd like to say WELCOME to it :) What hits me like a brick is the fact that when my child looks into my eyes, he sees the woman that he loves most in this world and if I'm wearing too much mascara, he stares at me and is quite freaked out :)