Day 19

Let's see... where are we now? Day 19? It's so hard to believe that Landon has been here, in our lives, occupying our hearts for 19 days. Of course he's been occupying my mind for much longer than that. Every kick, every hiccup, every day for the first 5 months that I spent so very sick and every time I was sent to the hospital because my baby wasn't responsive. Yeah... he's been on my mind for quite a while.

I felt like I knew him when he came out. It was like we'd been through a lot together already and we stuck it out together. I can't imagine how traumatic everything was for him in those first hours... not even being held by mommy until a day later. That hurts me that he didn't get to feel me close to him right away and know that I was there. I was right there. There are so many things I wish could have been different and I don't think I need to sit around and pretend that "everything happened so perfectly!" because HEY. It didn't. I trust God that Landon needed to get here when he did and I put my faith in that 100%. I also thank God for giving me a little angel and letting us meet him early...

But I'm going to tell you, that doesn't mean I'm not hurt by a lot of things that transpired that were out of my control. I think that's healthy, it's normal, it's natural. It's just human. I've heard that some people who had difficult birth stories never lose that emotional ache that comes with retelling the story, even years later. Maybe it's a mom thing. But maybe... it's only been 19 days :)

It feels like I've been accepted into a secret club, let in on a big secret. What everyone has been talking about for years. How your life before your baby came into it couldn't have been this happy. How you would jump in front of a train for your baby. How you would probably inflict pain on someone who wanted to hurt your baby. How time stops when your baby looks at you. How life really does change and becomes something so much more significant- all of a sudden. When I look into his eyes, which are a dark blue at the moment, the pain that I endured floats away from me and I'm left with nothing but beauty. I feel bad that my baby boy has had to live in a hospital and I wish he could have gone home to sleep in his bassinet like other babies do, right next to me where he belongs. I'm just being honest. People are not honest enough. I'm a really positive person and I really do always find the silver lining. I think people would say that about me- I hope. That being said, I want to bring my baby home. I want to sleep in the same bed with my husband again. I want to throw a toy for my dogs. I want my little boy to be able to eat and regulate himself. But until that day... until we get what we WANT, we so gladly will take what we have with open hearts. God gave us a little miracle- truly. My heart aches for him in the best and worst ways imaginable. He's beautiful. He's a reflection of my Heavenly Father's goodness and love. I see pieces of Chris and I in him already, but most of all I see a beautiful soul created for us to love. I think we will miss his teeny tiny days. The way he would open his mouth to cry but nothing would come out at first and then just a tiny little cry. A cry that I am tuned into from across a NICU filled with crying babies. When it's my baby crying, it's my legs that are moving :)

Haven't started a countdown yet to being homefree... but maybe soon. In the meantime, go give your babies (whether they be human, furry or of the spousal variety) a big hug and kiss and be thankful to be sitting at home on your couch, watching some TV :) It's an everyday activity, but it can seem like a luxury... trust me!

THEN

NOW