In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
I know, I think he's pretty cute too :) As I was driving home from the hospital today, I tried to make sense of what was swirling around in my head. That hasn't proven to be the easiest thing to do lately- I'm pretty sure I never make any sense anymore due to all of the blubbering but I can't be what I'm not so here we are! And here we shall remain- if you're still with me... kudos to you. It seems if it's not a text, I don't answer. If it's not about Landon, I may not retain it and if it requires a free hand, I'm probably using one to pump, feed, rock, hold or burp. So thanks for sticking with me :) And you know what... I think I've done a darn good job at being the devoted, ever-available friend you are all used to. So kudos to me? Yeah... I could use some kudos, so kudos to me.
Back to what I was saying, in the car today I realized something that I'm sure I already knew but just hadn't come out with it yet. As I was talking to God, (outloud and probably crying... with my windows down... I'm completely over trying to appear normal anymore :) I realized that my baby is not "mine" and nothing I have is mine. Every trial, every difficult moment, day, week has been given to me for some sort of purpose and REASON. I've been continually giving it all back to God, everyday, releasing it as a burden and receiving it as a blessing. But what about Landon? What I've been failing to open myself to is that He does not belong to me AT ALL! He is a gift and what belongs to me has been given by God and ultimately belongs to Him. When you have a baby, you are overcome by feelings of protectiveness and belongingness. Our baby... my baby. But this baby does not belong to me and in the midst of our trials and our moments of refinement, what always rings true is that what God ordains, God will finish. Chris and I are being sharpened and polished for parenthood through this journey. He has begun a good work in us, in THIS and He is going to finish it, magnify it's blessings and we will thank Him for every moment we are in it. When I look at that precious angel boy, I see a light that I pray this world will never put out. I keep telling everyone that of course he had to get here early... God had WAY too much to do with his life and had to get started early :)
Back to life now- folding some little preemie clothing, making something quick for dinner and heading back to the hospital. Hey, if I can offer something encouraging, even a little something... don't forget today while you are busy doing all of the things that make your day pass, that everything of this world is going to pass away. The only thing that will prove to be significant is the way you loved. Love hard and always give 100% of your heart to people. Life is too short to build walls and expect people to climb them.
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