March 9, 2011

This day, or probably sometime this week, I was going to give birth to our first baby. Never would I have imagined that day would come 7 weeks earlier! Landon was born 3 days after his daddy was born (28 years later, of course). Somehow, Chris and I always manage to group big events together. My birthday and our wedding anniversary (oh and Mother's Day) are all a week apart. Mother's Day... hadn't considered that yet. I get to celebrate Mother's Day this year! As the MOM! :)

I like to say that God brought Landon into this world so early because He has so much He wants to do with his life, He needed to get started early. Sometimes I think, God had so much He wanted to do with MY life, He needed to get started early. Chris said to me the other day, "God knew we would need this. All of it." And I questioned him because my initial thought is, "I didn't need this, nor did I want this! I didn't want to share my bond with nurses and leave my baby in a hospital. I didn't want to have an emergency c-section and throw everything about what I had envisioned giving birth to be, out the window. I didn't want to have my health suffer. I didn't want my baby to suffer. I didn't want this." Chris says, "God knew we would need this." It's taken me a long time to understand that. He originally said that to me a long time ago sitting in the NICU, while I was rocking Landon while he was being fed through his nose. He said, "You will miss this time in our lives" and Landon's nurse said, "One day you will. When this becomes a distant memory, it will hold a special place in your heart." I guess that day, maybe being a particularly difficult day, I wasn't quite in a "rainbows and butterflies" type of mood (it does happen folks :). So I just shrugged and went back to snuggling my little one. It's been over 6 weeks now and I just had my post-op Dr. visit which went really well. When I was on the edge physically, I was told "give it 6 weeks" and I couldn't wait until that magical day would be here when I'd feel better. And guess what? It did. What's more, it seems to be the magical amount of time it takes to begin to heal emotionally as well. How can we "need" the trials that we face? God says to consider it pure JOY when we suffer. I think of families that I see on TV who were in such dire need of something, whether it be finances to pay for a sick child's medical care or a new home to meet the needs of the family. I think of when someone needs a job to pay their bills and then finds one. When a child needs a home and is adopted. When these needs are met, I'm pretty positive there is some rejoicing going on. In fact, I imagine these people feel nothing except pure JOY. So if God tells me, that in the face of my trial I should consider it a joy and if God tells me He will always give me what I need and if God tells me that all things work together for good if I love Him then all that I can gather is that God is telling me, that I needed this in my life. And in that truth, I believe. It's taken me a little while, because I need comfort just as much as the next person. But the fact remains, when God removes you from your box and sets your feet gently onto unfamiliar land, He doesn't leave you there to fend for yourself. He is doing it because there is something He longs to reveal to you and there are pieces of the puzzle that can't be put into place until this work is done in you. God began a good work in us on January 24th, 2011 when our world was turned upside down. I couldn't see it then, and I can't fully understand it now but love is conquering.

I wish I could look back on every moment and say that I claimed joy. I can't. But what I know in my heart and what I've always known is that God is God and I am not! My joy comes from my relationship with Jesus Christ and then resonates into my relationships with people. I suppose one of the biggest prayers that I have for my son is that we can show him how to find his joy in Jesus and lead him there every single day. I remember thinking Chris was crazy and shaking my head at the nurse when she said that. But the truth... the honest truth? The first month of Landon's life will be a book of memories that I will keep protected in my heart forever. I cherish every one, even the difficult. Maybe the difficult the most because it was in those times I learned how to fully give up myself and give in to HIM. Who doesn't need that?! How could I ever wish that away?

Sometimes I think that Chris is my therapist and I'm his life coach. Separate- we are a little less than functional but together, we make one fortress of a team :) God knew what He was doing when he played matchmaker with us, that's for sure. Welcome to the party, Landon. Maybe baby it will be all you ever dreamed...