I'm not really sure what direction I am taking with this post. I just know I need to write down memories. I need to document life. I need to remember all of this one day when my memory fails me. I need to remember what this was like after my life and my mind become occupied with so much more. Life is simple now... a baby didn't complicate life for us. In a way... he normalized life for us. He has an innate balance. He can't help it because his life is true, pure and honest. Our lives are not like that, because we are grown and jaded by the world. As much as we want to protect our hearts from the big bad world, it gets to us. It changes us. It infringes on who we are. It butts in. It gets into what we know, what we love, what we trust and sabotages where it will. A baby is the ultimate reality check. Probably not "especially" but definitely hightened with a premature baby. With all of the joy, came all of the fear, bewilderment and pain simultaneously. I was telling my parents recently that I'm so thankful that God gave Landon to us in the way that He chose to do so because it brought me to my knees. I don't mean that just figuratively. It's hard to stand when the ground you're standing on feels shaky and weak. All I want to say to that is "hallelujah, praise be to God."
It probably seems like I take everything way too seriously and think on things far too deeply for an average day :) That's not really the case... but writing is when my hands can pour out what my heart wants to say without actually saying it. It's an incredible outlet for me... I can't help but wonder if Landon will read all of this one day. I look forward to all of the things I will have to say when we have another little one as well. I have this feeling that God made Landon to be a big brother and an amazing big brother at that. I see in him a calm spirit, diligence, sweetness, an easy nature and I see a fighter. What characteristics for an older brother! It's so amazing to see some of his qualities start to present themselves. When he wakes from a nap, he doesn't cry. He lays in his crib and plays with his feet, or plays with his musical lamb until I come in. He's content. When he drops a toy, or falls over, or can't reach something... he is patient and he finds something else to do. When we do something funny to him, he puts both hands up to his face and smiles as if he is shy. He isn't scared by new places. He just stares and stares at everything his eyes are taking in. We feel so underseving of this miracle baby... we feel so small, so insignificant to be the ones God chose to raise him. We believe we were called for this so we take that responsibility SO seriously. Chris lays on his back, stands Landon up on his chest and calls Molly. She comes in between his legs and Landon sits on her back like she is a horsey. It's so cute :) Ellie still acts like it's a chore when we call her to sit close to Landon so that he can pet her. You can just see it on her face, "Ugh, this again?!" But we think it's important for Ellie to know Landon is going to be the boss of her as well. If it were up to Ellie, she would rule this kingdom. It's funny because in moments I'm not looking, I see Ellie laying by him or Molly sitting by him. They have probably taken a pretty big backseat in the last 7-8 months, but they have been champs. Chris and I went for a walk today with Landon and we were talking about how Landon was born in the south. He is a southern boy! We talked about how this time next year, he will be running through the sprinkler, playing in a baby pool... what pictures I will have!! :) For now, each passing day with our baby is another reminder of God's love for us.... a reminder of how much we NEED our Lord to do this thing called parenting.
I hope and pray wherever life is finding you in this moment, you are able to see the rainbow through the storm.
<3
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